Living Rarely

My scan from April 7th was good and clear! No evidence of disease. Nothing to note. Grateful, thankful, blessed.

I was pretty relaxed this time around, all things considered. God has been so good to me. And the more time that passes, the “easier” it gets.

BUT, there’s always the IF.

In fact, I felt so relaxed that I thought that maybe something would be wrong. Humans have a way of making up superstitions or rely on things that have worked in the past. And I’ve fallen on that a little bit. Wearing a certain necklace, taking a certain Bible with me, using a certain radiologist. However, I’m trying to laugh much of that off as I realize there’s nothing that I can do to get a good report. It’s all in His hands and His will is the way. That doesn’t depend on what necklace I wear or what word I choose to focus on while I’m getting the CT done.

Also, cancer just doesn’t pop up and appear for a scan. It doesn’t magically go away at the moment the contrast is injected.

Which creates conflicting feelings when I go longer between each scan. Yay, longer! (But what if we go too long and I could’ve caught it sooner??)

The nurse always says that if I feel like something is off and need to come in sooner, that is completely fine to do. But I’ll trust the process for now.

Speaking of nurses, Molly and Marris shared the results with us this time. It’s always lovely to see them no matter what the news is. Marris has been with me from Day 1 at Moffitt. I know that there will be several people we will be staying in touch with after my time at Moffitt is up!

Which seems so strange to think that there may be a time like that and is a whole other set of conflicting feelings.

While we were waiting for the results, we had lunch at the Moffitt cafeteria which is in the hospital building (where I had inpatient chemo and recovered after Whipple surgery). I abhor that building. Not the people, just the building. It has taken quite a bit for me to get over such feelings and even consider eating at the cafeteria. Certain smells just bring so much back! And as we walked around outside to the front of the building, Nelson looked up, pointed at a set of windows and said, “That was your room after surgery.” My stomach turned and I said, “I never ever want to be there ever again.” So as much LOVE as I have for the place that healed me, I will never want to be in some of those same rooms again.

But being able to be around the cafeteria and walk through some of the same halls hasn’t been as frightening as it used to.

I’ve also found myself watching some medical reality shows without much thought, whereas previously, I couldn’t watch anything that depicted a hospital or any time of cancer reference.

We even watched a YouTube video of a Whipple surgery! I was incredibly fascinated by it and no wonder I was in so much pain and discomfort for MONTHS afterward! I mean, have you seen the way they move your insides around? My intestines were literally hanging outside of my abdomen. Hands were literally all up into me. And it’s not like they’re being delicate about it. FASCINATING!

That’s so weird for me to say and think that now.