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I can see CLEARly now

Another scan and another clean report! The moment the nurse or doctor steps into the room doesn’t get any less tense. If it’s anything more than a “Hello, how are you doing?” I am practically passed out on the floor. Most brain cells (the ones that chemo didn’t kill off) shut down and nothing coherent comes out until the “scan’s good” words finally hit my ear drums.

Unfortunately for me, and fortunately for others, my oncologist has moved up north to a prestigious medical center. I know he will do a lot of good up there, but part of me wanted him to see me through to the very end – and in case anything new pops up.

There’s a constant conflict with cancer emotions. You want the whole experience to be over. But you don’t want to lose contact with the people you’ve met along the way – your medical support team.

My time with my behavioral medicine nurse is also coming to an end. That makes me sad actually. I’ve enjoyed my time and checkups with him. He is another encouragement and source of “it’s going to be ok, you’re doing ok.”

Cancer is confusing

Cancer is confusing and can be a source of incredibly contradicting thoughts.

“I want this to be over.”

“I feel sad that I won’t get to see my nurses and doctors when it’s over.”

“I want people to check on me.”

“I don’t want to talk to anyone.”

“I want to be treated as I was before cancer.”’

“I’m not who I was before cancer! Why don’t they understand?”

“I want to be open about my cancer.”

“Maybe they don’t want me to talk about my cancer.”

Cancer is confusing!

Keep it to yourself

I’ve also had some weird comments recently. One person asked me, “Is your cancer back yet?”

And one other person thought I didn’t hear her comment and got it completely wrong, “Oh she’s had a double mastectomy.”

I mean I know I wasn’t blessed but geez! Side rant: Can we just stop commenting on other people’s bodies to other people? Let’s keep those thoughts internal and maybe consider that either someone was born a certain way or that they are dealing with medical issues. Not your business, not for you to comment on.

Immediate future

I think I need to reorganize some of my posts and updates so I’m going to get to doing that so that future readers can sort through this more efficiently. And I’ll be working on updating my Etsy shop! I have more t-shirt ideas coming and look forward to sharing that.

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